Humour

CLASSIC                                                                                

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.

While at the store, I got a half gallon of unsweetened tea of a new local off brand  named "Dairyman's". When I got in to the car I explained to my friend that I got the half gallon of Dairyman's tea. She said, "That must have been very hard on the cow's making tea !" .... I said oh no my little non-country gal...ALL cow come equipt with TeaT's..

Things My Mother Taught Me

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother ! taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favourite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

DID YOU EVER STOP TO WONDER WHY......

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why a round pizza gets delivered in a square box?

Why people pay to go up in tall buildings, and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why people say they “slept like a baby”, when babies normally wake up every two hours?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

What would the speed of lightning be if it didn’t zigzag?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but has to check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why you don’t ever see the headline: “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why “abbreviated” is such a long word?

Why Doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why you have to click on “Start” to stop ‘Windows’?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why there isn’t mouse flavoured cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a “new & improved” flavor?

Why Goofy stands erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why sheep don’t shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport “a terminal” if flying is supposedly so safe?

Why the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of coconut, but can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

What do you call male ballerinas?

If blind people can see their dreams? Do they dream??

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Why the “Alphabet Song” and “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why it is when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

How come we put a man on the moon before realizing it would be a good idea to put wheels on suitcases?

Why brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells are forever?

How important someone has to be before they can be ‘assassinated’ rather than just plain ‘murdered’?

How come “phonetically” is spelt with a “ph”?

Funny Questions and Answers from Springdale, Arkansas

Questions and answers selected from tests in Springdale, Arkansas in 2000 to 16 year old students! (Don't laugh too hard - one of these may be the president someday.)

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (E.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section."
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure? 
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears on his head.

Q: What is a Hindu?
A: It lays eggs.

Popsicle stick joke:

What is a rabbit's favorite music?
HIP HOP

From a 4year old grandson...'ya know, dere is two kinds of Coke...reguwar and a diarrhea'

I can't decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.

Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.

Attention Walmart Shoppers: Dress for the body you have, not the body you want.

if your future self hasn't came back in time to tell you not to do it, then it's not a bad decision...

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
actually, I just saw on the news that a couple was arrested for pointing a nerf gun at a business owner…

When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

Don't Use Any Punctuation

As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won! I Won!"

At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

Texting Codes for Senior Citizens as follows:

ATD - At the Doctor's

BTW - Bring the Wheelchair

BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth 

CBM - Covered by Medicare

CUATSC - See You at the Senior Center

DWI - Driving While Incontinent

FWBB - Friend with Beta Blockers

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

FYI - Found Your Insulin

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

GHA - Got Heartburn Again

IMHO - Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL - Living on Lipitor

LWO - Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR - On My Massage Recliner

ROFL..CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!

TOT - Texting on Toilet

TTYL - Talk to You Louder

WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?

WATP - Where are the Prunes

WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil

FYI - Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

 The other stall:

Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom, 
I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restroom.

I don't know what got into me,I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 
"Hi, how are you?" 

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and

But I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 
"Doin' just fine!" 

And the other person says: 
"So what are you up to?" 

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is

too bizarre so I say: 
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!" ?? 

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear

another question. 
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them

 

"No..I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back.   There's an idiot in the other stall

who keeps answering all my questions 


Cell phones, don't you just love them !

BRUNG UP PROPER!!    
            "And we never had a whole Mars bar until 1993"!!! 

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE
1940's, 50's, 60's and 70’s (not to forget 1930's)
 
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank Sherry while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos....


They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, bread and dripping, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.
 
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
 
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway, or Nandos.
 
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00 pm and didn't open on a Sunday, somehow we didn't starve to death!
 
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
 
We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees,Gobstoppers and Bubble Gum.
 
We ate cupcakes,white bread and real butter, milk from the cow,and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because.......
 
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
 
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
 
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
 
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.
 
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY No video/dvd films, or colour TV's
No mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE  HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time....

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mom didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet because we didn't need to keep up with the Jones's!

Not everyone made the rugby/football/cricket/netball team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on MERIT!

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and throw the blackboard rubber at us if they thought we weren't concentrating ....  
 
We can string sentences together and spell and have proper conversations because of a good, solid three R's education. 
 
Our parents would tell us to ask a stranger to help us cross the road. 
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL!


And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!


You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
 

Dear Dad, 
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on


Dear Son, 
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad

Cachorro dançando hip-hop no sofá // Dog dancing hip-hop on the couch

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5Wbx-aqtYk#t=38


Love Always
mudra

Dive

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5RI8hFUgpq4


That 's me first and last time I found myself on a diving board with bird's eye view to the surface of a swimming pool.

Love Always
mudra

Baked In A Buttery Flaky Crust

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIrQ9ilL8aw#t=74


Love Always
mudra

Love Always
mudra

Love Always
mudra

When Truthers Celebrate Thanksgiving

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jLGZHurQG9A


Love Always
mudra